your inner child
Recently I announced a 90 minute online workshop I’m giving on March 26 called Beyond People Pleasing. In my last blog article, I wrote about the habitual behavior we call people pleasing…what it is, and why we do it. I promised to share some easy-to-learn, effective tools for letting go of the need to people please.
I’ll be doing just that in my next three articles. The ideas I’ll share with you are snapshots of work we’ll be doing in more depth in the class, so be sure to secure your spot here.
You weren’t born modifying yourself to fit in. You learned to do it early in life when you sensed that approval from those around you (usually adults) was essential to your safety and survival. And if you’re a highly sensitive person, the younger you became finely attuned to the moods of others. When adults around you were tense, anxious or depressed, you likely felt responsible for either lifting the mood or not making it worse. You may have toned yourself down, withdrawn so as not to create more stress in those around you, or been overly agreeable, willing to do anything to make them happy.
This instinct was highly intelligent and designed to keep you alive and safe.
Do you recall a childhood moment when an adult was unhappy with something you said or did…or because you’d failed to live up to their expectations? How did you feel? Scared, upset, eager to make things better?
Did you make their disapproval mean something about you? Did you carry it forward in your life?
I was a shy kid. I absolutely adored my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Casey…she was a warm, loving, grandmotherly woman. One day, Mrs. Casey was reading aloud to us. Chucky, a boy sitting next to me, suddenly grabbed my hand and bent my fingers backwards. Shocked, I let out a painful yelp. Oblivious to Chucky’s actions, Mrs. Casey gave me a stern look and told me to be quiet. I remember feeling flooded with shame that I’d interrupted the class…as well as resentment towards Chucky. I didn’t tell on him, but I did learn to be quiet - no matter what - when an adult was speaking. My shame and fear of future embarrassment led me to withdraw, even when there was something to speak out about.
There’s a reason we remember these seemingly benign childhood incidents. Because they provoked unpleasant emotions like fear, embarrassment or shame, we derive meaning from them that shapes our behavior going forward. And thus we adopt the conflict-avoiding, people pleasing habit as adults.
How do we change this?
The first step in letting go of the need to please is simple…though not always easy. It involves loving that part of you…the child that wanted so badly to feel safe. That child may not have received the affirmations of love and safety from adults every time it needed them, but the adult ‘you’ can provide them now.
Find a comfortable, quiet space and get in touch with the young child within you. You may imagine this younger version of you, or feel it inside your body as a kind of energy. Just notice what it’s doing, how its body language is, and whether it’s receptive to the adult you. Gently ask it what it needs…a hug, loving words, or the freedom to play? Listen for its answer. Your inner child may trust the adult you right away, or it may take a bit of time. Assure it that you’re there, and that you have its back. Keep listening to it, the way you would a young child in your care.
It’s helpful to make this a daily practice for a while…long enough for your inner child to understand that it’s no longer alone and that you will love and protect it. You may notice a significant shift in your own energy levels right away. Or it may take some time. Either way, this inner work is rewriting your internal paradigm on love and approval.
As you begin to feel the security and grounding of having your own back, the need to find strength outside of yourself will weaken.
When you can interact with others without obligation, guilt, and the need for approval, your life will change. You’ll show up as yourself. You’ll also have a lot more energy for the things that you choose.
Does more energy sound good?
If so, see you on March 26.
I have a few open spots remaining for 1:1 integrative change work. Curious? Click here to schedule a free connection call with me. And for more juicy life stuff, tune into my podcast, coming home (to yourself). As always, may your week be filled with self-love and rich insights. With love, Amy ♡♡♡