having your own back
Did you know there’s one week left to register for my March 26 online workshop called Beyond People Pleasing? In this 90-minute interactive workshop, I’ll talk about WHY we people please, WHAT part of us feels compelled to do it..and WHY, and HOW to take care of this part so that we can tune into what WE actually want instead of trying to satisfy everyone around us. I’ll take you step by step through this process, live, in community…it’s going to be amazing! $10 gets you into the Zoom class and the video replay.
Last week I wrote about your inner child, which still thinks it needs to conform and please those around you to be OK. Your inner child believes that if someone disapproves of you, you will be ostracized…you won’t be safe…you literally won’t survive.
Of course, your adult self knows that this isn’t really true. For example, if a friend invites you out (when all you feel like doing is taking a hot bath and going to bed) and you say no, do you fear annihilation? Probably not. But your inner child makes this feel more serious than it actually is. Your inner child fears disappointing others.
When you can can befriend your younger self - take care of it, keep it company, assure it that you’ve got its back and you won’t let it suffer any more - it diffuses the need to please everyone around you.
Your inner child relaxes. It calms down and gains confidence. It stops gripping and trying to control through pleasing. And guess what effect this inner relaxation has? It creates space for the wise, intuitive, adult version of you to really listen to what YOU need. And when someone asks something of you, you’ll actually know what you want and need. From there, saying yes or no becomes easy.
Take a moment and imagine the young version of you that faced disapproval, criticism, or judgment from an adult. How does your inner child feel? What does its body language look like? What is it saying to you?
Your adult self gets to be the caretaker and guardian for your younger self…and because you have your own best interest at heart, your inner child will feel fully witnessed, loved, and taken care of.
Imagine the two of you together. Your adult self shows up with all of the love, patience and wisdom that your inner child needs to feel supported. What is it like as these two parts of you sit together? What does your inner child need? Can you be there for it and fully have its back so that it feels witnessed? Assure your inner child that you’re not going anywhere and that it doesn’t need to conform or sublimate itself anymore.
Let it know that it’s safe and loved just as it is.
These are the words that most of us longed to hear as young children, but we didn’t always, because let’s face it…we are ALL a part of this system, handed down from generation to generation. If you escaped this ‘gift that keeps on giving’, you are fortunate indeed.
When you do the inner work with your younger self, you literally rewrite the narrative on needing to please in order to survive. You people please because you believe that approval and acceptance from other people will give you the good feeling inside that you wanted to have as a young child. What you learn through this process is that no amount of approval from anyone else feels as good as approval from your own self.
When you have your own back, you don’t NEED approval from outside of you. You will have the true freedom to choose - in any moment - what feels best for YOU. It doesn’t mean that you stop being kind or having compassion for others. It does mean that you no longer manipulate others into liking and approving of you by saying yes when you want to say no.
Have your own back.
Be the wise adult friend and caregiver to your inner child.
Don’t put that responsibility on anyone else…because YOU are best equipped to do it.
I have a few open spots remaining for 1:1 integrative change work. Curious? Click here to schedule a free connection call with me. And for more juicy life stuff, tune into my podcast, coming home (to yourself). As always, may your week be filled with self-love and rich insights. With love, Amy ♡♡♡