are you a people pleaser?

Do you find yourself saying yes when you’d rather say no?

Do you find yourself agreeing with someone when you really don’t agree, or saying things you don’t actually mean, just to be nice?

Do you sometimes accept invitations because you don’t know how to decline them and still feel like a good person?

Do you avoid saying what you really think or feel because the thought of creating conflict is too scary?

If you answered yes to one or more of these…guess what? You, my friend, are a people pleaser.

And it’s OK, because I am too.

I have some thoughts! But before I share them, I want to invite you to my live 90-minute workshop called Beyond People Pleasing on Tuesday, March 26 at 7pm ET/6pm CT/5pm MT/4pm PT. $10 gets you in and includes a video replay if you can’t make the live event. Learn more and register here.

OK, so…what IS people pleasing, anyway?

Very simply, you people please when you modify or change anything about yourself in an attempt to please someone else, fit in, be likable, or avoid conflict.

Lots of us grow up as people pleasers, because our families and classrooms often reinforce it. In fact, as a young child, to please is to survive. When you’re 4 or 5 years old and your caregiver is unhappy with you, your brain cannot process that you’ll be OK, that they’ll cool down, and that you will continue to exist. Especially if you’re sensitive, experiencing an adult’s anger, disapproval or disappointment can trigger a deep fear of abandonment. So ‘learning to play by the rules’ really felt like a matter of life and death.

In this way, people pleasing was an adaptive mechanism that helped you…it assured your survival. But as an adult, constantly pleasing others isn’t necessary to survive. It no longer serves you.

To put it plainly, if you’re not living life on your own terms at this point, you’re missing out on a lot of richness.

An important caveat here: I am NOT disparaging kindness, consideration of others, service, or caregiving. Sometimes having a family, raising kids, caring for elderly parents, or working in a field where you’re serving people DOES require extreme sensitivity to the needs of those around you and sometimes even prioritizing others. Most of us have some of this in our lives and it’s tremendously important.

What I AM talking about is when you subvert your own wishes, dreams, and self-expression so that you fit in with those around you. So you win their approval. So you don’t rock the boat. Subverting yourself is not the same as serving others. When you subvert yourself, you’ll feel misunderstood. You’ll feel like people don’t know the real you.

And that’s because you’re not showing them the truth of who you are.

It feels crappy to constantly worry about what you should say or do so that you don’t piss anyone off. And ultimately it works against you because the people around you deserve to know who you really are. Not showing yourself is not telling the truth…despite your best intentions.

If your concept of being a good person is having everyone like you and never pissing anyone off…that’s probably coming from the people pleasing part of you.

So if you ARE a people pleaser…how to change? In upcoming emails, I’ll share some practical and effective tools for transforming your people pleasing self into your real and congruent self. And don’t forget to reserve your spot in my March 26 workshop to get that ball rolling.

Because the world needs the real you.

I have a few open spots remaining for 1:1 integrative change work. Curious? Click here to schedule a free connection call with me. And for more juicy life stuff, tune into my podcast, coming home (to yourself). As always, may your week be filled with self-love and rich insights. With love, Amy ♡♡♡