The Loving Art of Saying No
Few things used to scare me more than saying no. Whether declining a request, invitation, or imposed obligation, drawing my boundaries was an exercise in frustration and regret. Saying no riddled me with so much anxiety about how the other person would take it that I often said yes when I meant no…thus, buying myself comfort by people pleasing. Some of my earliest experiments in saying no left me feeling scarred by the other person’s anger. The whole process felt icky in my system.
Over time, I’ve gotten better not only at saying no, but also at knowing when to say no. Fortunately, life supplies ample opportunities to practice. Here are a couple recent examples.
The first was around some volunteer work that I love. The work itself is meaningful and fulfilling. Over time however, the demands placed on the volunteers increased to the point that they became overwhelming. Initially, I ignored the anxiety I was feeling, because I’m passionate about the mission of the group and the people in it. I was afraid of letting the others down and appearing selfish by leaving. But eventually, the work began eating into time for my own spiritual practice and self-care, as well as precious family time. I was feeling resentful. As I tuned into myself, I knew I needed to step away, no matter how good this work was. I expressed my need to leave firmly and with love to the people in the organization. To my surprise, the leadership team decided to substantially reduce the volunteer requirements, making it easy for me to continue. It was a win-win not only for me and the organization, but for my fellow volunteers who now have a little more breathing room too.
The second opportunity for me to say no was clear, but not easy. A friend had included me in her passion project - without my request or consent. At first I didn’t think much about her group emails, until she became unhappy that I wasn’t responding to them. She also began to make specific requests on my time. I could feel my annoyance meter rising! But before it escalated out of control, I asked to be removed from the group emails and gracefully declined her requests on my time. I affirmed her efforts and offered my moral support from afar. I can support her mission without needing to become part of it. After all, I have my own passions that require my time, love, energy and support!
Being able to say no with love clarified three things for me:
If I want to feel good, I need to follow my heart. I can volunteer for the most worthy causes and end up feeling resentment and bitterness if I don’t listen to my own needs. My heart will guide me to give in the way that is best for me.
Speaking my truth can effect change for the better even if I hadn’t intended it! Speaking up in my volunteer situation helped illuminate the need for changes that made it easier for everyone to win.
I can fully support someone, even when my answer is no. A loving no, when it feels right, frees the other person from unrealistic expectations of me. And the truthfulness of a loving no is ultimately more loving toward myself.
Does saying no fill you with anxiety? I can help! Click here to schedule a free 60-minute connection call with me. May your week be filled with self-love and rich insights. With love, Amy ♡♡♡