the fear of being nothing
Here’s a paradox.
I find myself trying so hard to prove myself. In this season of life, I’m trying to prove myself as a successful coach. Emphasis on the word ‘successful’…whatever that means. I notice myself doing this in the same way that, decades ago, I tried to prove myself as a successful pianist. Underneath all of the striving is the fear of being nothing...invisible, irrelevant, worthless.
I have long been fascinated with Near Death Experiences (NDEs). Though individual tales from ‘the other side’ vary some, most people recount an extreme sensation of expansion, freedom, joy and love way beyond anything felt on earth. Most of all, they describe a feeling of extreme worthiness completely apart from, and unrelated to, their work, status, achievements, wealth, etc.
To be human is paradoxical.
The other day I found myself in a downward spiral of exhaustion and negative self-talk. I was acutely aware of how hard I’m trying in my second career as a coach. It’s such a strain, this constant striving and scrambling to get somewhere. I saw my need to feel successful. Maybe that’s the way my brain is wired. If I’m going to do something, I want to be good at it. I’d like to consider myself successful and be considered successful by others. Anyway, yesterday I was NOT feeling successful. Honestly, I was feeling nowhere at all. Completely at sea. Untethered. I was feeling like a big fat nothing. These are terrible thoughts, right? I would never label someone else this way. But my mind had no problem labeling ME this way.
The next morning I realized that part of my striving comes from a desperate need for certainty, acceptance, and a feeling of worthiness. It’s not unlike my striving 30 years ago to become a concert pianist. So much of my life has been driven by an intense need for validation through success. I don’t imagine that I’m alone in this. I think many of us are educated and socialized this way.
If success drives me, the fear of not being successful is truly terrifying. The fear that nobody will know what I do, what I’m capable of, or even worse…that I’ll be perceived as a fraud or nothing…whew, there’s the dark underbelly of all of the striving. That’s the reality I don’t want to face…so I work a little harder to prevent it from happening.
But here’s what I’ve learned in my 56 years on the planet: a lot of this is out of my control. Hard work doesn’t completely guarantee success. Even crazier, I learned in my musical career that being considered successful by other people doesn’t mean I’ll consider myself successful. And it certainly doesn’t guarantee that I’ll continue to love what I do and stay interested in it.
So where does all of this lead me?
Back to Near Death Experiences for a moment. I haven’t had one, but the ones I’ve studied bring me hope and a sense of peace. If I am worthy just because I’m here, do I really need to strive to prove myself? If I’m worthy just for being here, what difference does it ultimately make whether I’m a world-renowned coach or a middle-aged lady with a few clients and a podcasting hobby? And if I were absolutely nothing, if no one knew what I did, or if everyone thought I was full of bullshit (my worst fear, right?), wouldn’t I STILL be magnificent just because I’m here?
One more thing I want to share. In coming back from a NDE, most people describe how uniquely precious each day and each moment feel. They return with an appreciation for the smallest things in life, the simplest connections. Often they describe a new ability to be present to life’s daily joys…like seeing a flower bloom or watching a puppy play. I may not have life figured out, but if I spend a lot of it pushing and striving and feeling bad about myself, and then one day I get to experience this expansion beyond the human experience, I’ll laugh at myself for getting so caught up in the weeds. I want to remember to notice and appreciate the small things.
And I want to normalize the beauty, simplicity and joy of being nothing.
Not important.
Not famous.
Not successful.
Just a precious human having an experience.
Hey, precious human. Want to talk? Click here to schedule a free connection call with me. And for more juicy life stuff, tune into my podcast, coming home (to yourself). As always, may your week be filled with self-love and rich insights. With love, Amy ♡♡♡