practicing the skill of healthy communication
Ah, human relationships. So rewarding, yet so tricky! As the saying goes, communication is everything. What if you were equipped with the basic tools to communicate openly and smoothly with anyone, no matter how much conflict or emotion is involved?
I believe that healthy communication is a skill, one that most of us aren’t taught early in life. When we don’t understand how to communicate effectively, things get complicated.
Because we fail to express ourselves clearly, we don’t give people the opportunity to fully hear and understand us. When we’re not heard and understood, we either need to perform for approval and acceptance, or we let people down.
Because we don’t know how to listen deeply, we make assumptions about others and take their words personally. When we take things personally, we can’t hear and understand the other person, and we create conflict where communication is needed.
The good news is, there are simple things you can do to improve your communication with other humans…especially those closest to you.
If you’ve been through some therapy, either individually or with a partner or loved one, these ideas may be familiar already. If you haven’t experienced therapy, these tools can help you salvage relationships that are struggling, and make future relating feel easier and more rewarding.
Let’s talk about the skill of healthy communicating. I have come to realize that there are two important components to healthy communication. They are:
Being able to talk openly and clearly about how you feel, especially when it’s uncomfortable for you. DO use the words ‘I feel’ or ‘I felt’. For instance, DO say: when you said that, I felt OR in this situation, I feel. DON’T use the words ‘you make’ or ‘you made’. For example, AVOID saying, when you said that, you made me feel OR in this situation, you’re making me feel. It’s important that you own the feeling without making the other person responsible for it.
Being able to listen to how the other person feels, especially when it’s uncomfortable for you. This may actually be harder than the skill of self-expression, because it’s easy to get defensive when someone is telling you something that’s hard to hear. Remember that listening to someone express themself is about them first and foremost. The way they feel is a neutral fact. Did you do or say something you might want to apologize for? Maybe…maybe not. But first it’s important to understand what they’re telling you, and you can only understand if you listen.
Being a good listener without getting defensive is easier when you practice the following:
Be curious about what they’re saying. This is a chance to know them better…and to know them better is something you value because your relationship is valuable, right?
Stay detached. You will have a chance to reflect and respond. But in order to hear what they are saying, you need to hear their words from an unbiased place.
Let them express and don’t interrupt! This one can be difficult if there’s a lot of emotion. Stay present. If you’re thinking up a response, you’re not truly listening. If you interrupt to argue your point, you’re also not listening!
Learn how to reflect back. The term reflecting back is often used in change work. It involves listening carefully to what the other person says and then speaking their words back to them. For instance, if my loved one says, when you didn’t call me back, I felt hurt, my reflection back might be, I’m hearing you say that you felt hurt when I didn’t call you back. Reflecting back is neutral and acknowledges - with the intent to understand - what the other person experienced.
You might be wondering, why do I get so defensive when communicating with someone I love?
I’ve asked myself this so many times! I believe one reason is because we live in an aggressive, competitive world that trains us to come out on top. Defensiveness is a reflex that often kicks in for self-protection. But what the other person is sharing is about them, not you. When you let down your defenses and really hear them, you become attuned to them. You might even empathize with what they’re feeling.
Sometimes when I’m in a heated conversation with someone I care about, I’ll pause and ask myself:
What do I really want here? To be right? To win the argument? Or to be in a healthy relationship with this person?
When I can remember to ask myself this question, my answer is always the last option. Asking the question before self-defense kicks in is key.
When two people practice these ideas together, good communication results. But even if you’re relating to someone who isn’t versed in these skills, it’s remarkable what sensitive listening and responsible sharing on your part will do. It might just stop them in their tracks and inspire them to pick up what you’re putting down.
My therapist has an expression that is ideal for any kind of loving relationship, no matter how much conflict there is:
Love is not at stake here.
Meaning, we are individuals with unique brains. We’re going to process things differently. We are going to disagree…sometimes, strongly. But underlying all of this is love. And love is never at stake.
I believe so much in these tools for healthy communication.
Communication is most definitely a skill, and I’m still learning. I don’t always nail it, but I am getting better. And because I’m practicing healthy communication every day, my relationships are happier, easier and less stressful as a result.
I invite you to try it out and let me know what you think.
Give yourself the gift of change work this holiday season! Use this link to schedule a free connection call with me and we’ll explore your dreams for 2024. And while you’re at it, tune into my podcast, coming home (to yourself). As always, may your week be filled with self-love and rich insights. With love, Amy ♡♡♡