the case for feeling your feelings

I don’t know about you, but Election Day feels like a million years ago.

It’s safe to say that half the country, myself included, is extremely unhappy with the result.

We’re juggling a lot of feelings: anger, grief, anxiety, fear, and serious disappointment in our country. It’s clear that a lot is broken here. Will we ever fix it?

I wish I knew the answer to that.

But today, I’m here to talk about feelings. Emotions. You know, the rush of a particular kind of energy that comes when something happens in your world?

My meditation teacher calls emotion ‘energy in motion.’ And that’s very much what an emotion feels like. Because emotions come as a rush of energy…seemingly on their own.

And you don’t need me to tell you that emotions can feel pleasant or unpleasant. Who doesn’t love a pleasant emotion, be it a pure rush of excitement or happiness or love?

But what about unpleasant emotions? How about a rush of fear or anger or sadness?

No thanks, right?

I’m talking about emotions today because so many of us struggle with the unpleasant ones. What do we do with those yucky rushes of energy that we sometimes feel?

As I observe others following this tumultuous election, I see many struggling with their feelings…both feeling and expressing them.

So let’s talk about emotions…why we have them and what to do with them.

Think back to your childhood. How were uncomfortable emotions handled in your family? When you were upset about something, what happened? Did your parents sit down and listen to you? Did they ask you what was going on? Were you allowed and encouraged to feel what you were feeling when it wasn’t pleasant?

If so, your family was remarkable! The majority of us, however, didn’t have that experience.

More likely, you got the message that expressing anger, frustration, or disappointment wasn’t appropriate. Anger in particular is frowned upon in many families. Maybe your anger wasn’t even allowed!

As a kid, were you reprimanded, sent to your room, or did you have your mouth washed out with soap (yes, that’s a real thing!) for expressing anger?

And what about sadness? When you were sad or disappointed, were you listened to? Did anyone ask about your sadness? Was it OK to feel and express sorrow when you were young? Or, did someone tell you to get over it? To stay positive, to look on the bright side, or to stop feeling sorry for yourself?

Although our families may have welcomed pleasant emotions, the unpleasant emotions…not so much.

I’m not placing blame here. In my own family, anger wasn’t an emotion that was expressed or accepted. But I don’t blame my parents, who learned it from their parents, and so on.

Discouraging certain emotions - even prohibiting their expression - tends to be a generational gift that keeps on giving.

Because anger is often unacceptable, we deny we’re feeling it. We squash it down so we don’t appear angry, and it comes out sideways.

What about sadness?

As someone who has read a lot of spiritual and self-help books, I know that much of the literature advocates having a positive outlook. There’s a lot written about the emotions that we focus on, and how they affect our physical health, as well as everything we experience in the material world.

Just google ‘manifestation’ or ‘law of attraction’ and you’ll go down an interesting rabbit hole.

Though this idea is helpful to a point, it can unfortunately lead to bypassing your own emotions, in the belief (or fear) that feeling something unpleasant is bad for you.

I spent much of my adult life terrified of acknowledging bad feelings, lest I create an unpleasant outcome. Four years of really good therapy has helped me understand that the emotions I feel - pleasant and unpleasant - are actually just the truth of the moment.

That bears repeating.

Your feelings, pleasant or unpleasant, are the truth of the moment.

The rush of energy that comes through as emotion is fulfilling a purpose. It needs to move through my nervous system and body. Once that happens, its cycle is completed. That emotion leaves and makes way for something new.

But what happens if I stop the unpleasant emotion from moving through? What if, at the first hints of anger or sadness, I shut it down?

In this case, the energy is trapped. It can’t move through and the cycle isn’t completed. Instead, the emotion is pushed down somewhere inside.

If you have a hard time feeling angry or sad, this is what’s happening. You disassociate from the feeling so that you don’t have to feel it, and after doing that for years and decades, it becomes difficult to feel that emotion at all.

But you’ll probably notice it coming out sideways. You may blow up every now and then. Or maybe you struggle with an addiction. Or you avoid certain situations in your life because you just can’t risk feeling sad or angry.

Let me make an important clarification here.

An emotion, or energy in motion, is NOT the same thing as an attitude.

The feeling of anger may rush in when you’re presented with a situation - for instance, an abusive man spewing hatred toward a whole group of people.

That anger, if you allow it, can move through your system, and it’s gone. It leaves no energetic charge; only the memory of having felt angry.

Moving anger through your system can feel good and cathartic. In this case, anger is an emotion.

By contrast, developing an attitude of anger takes time. It’s deliberate.

You develop an attitude of anger by stewing over things to be angry about.

Let’s return to the example of the abusive man spewing hate again. If I choose to think about him and how awful he is - every day, over time - I will cultivate an attitude of anger.

That’s definitely not good for me. Why would I want to do that?

An emotion is different from an attitude.

While cultivating an attitude of anger is unhealthy, feeling and releasing the emotion of anger is actually important and healthy.

You don’t choose which emotions come through you, moment-to-moment.

But when anger comes and you allow yourself to feel it and move it through, it’s good for you - physically, mentally and emotionally.

When you allow anger to move through, you’ll notice it doesn’t stay very long. Once it recedes, you may feel very peaceful.

As an analogy, what would happen to you if you never pooped? You’d become really constipated and grumpy, right? Just as pooping is essential to your health, moving unpleasant emotions through is essential to your well being.

It’s important to feel your feelings.

Even the hard ones.

Because until you do, you’re not allowing what’s true to be.

And when what’s true can’t be, you’ll contort yourself into all kinds of uncomfortable shapes.

Even if it takes some getting used to.

Even if it’s a learning curve.

Accepting your feelings and letting them move through FEELS so much better than not allowing them to be.

It might be helpful to find a quiet, private space where you can feel.

If you live with people who can be with you even when you’re feeling angry, or sad, or frustrated, this is great.

If the people around you can just be with you when you’re feeling a difficult emotion and not need to fix it, change it, cheer you up, or offer a solution…that is a very special relationship indeed.

In my ideal world, we would all do that for each other. Imagine what a world that would be!

So from where I sit today, a week after our election…

I believe that the uncomfortable emotions so many of us feel are valuable energy moving through.

Our emotions are catalysts for activism and change.

Because they allow us to empathize with others who are feeling the same way and because they connect us to others who will need our help, our emotions are a bridge between us.

Let’s not ignore them.

Let’s use them.

Let’s honor their truth and wisdom so that we can move forward, help each other, and make change.

Feeling all the feels this week? Click here to schedule a free 60-minute connection call to chat with me. And for more juicy life stuff, check out my podcast, coming home (to yourself). As always, may your week be filled with self-love and rich insights. With love, Amy ♡♡♡