don’t be ‘nice’. be kind and honest instead.

I’ve been a nice person all of my life.

(Or at least I’ve thought of myself that way.)

I grew up in a family of nice people. My folks trained us to be polite and respectful. This is not to say that we didn’t have our moments…but being nice was important to us.

At my high school graduation, I was voted ‘most likely to succeed Mother Teresa’. I’m pretty sure it was because I was a ‘nice girl’.

To be honest, I deeply cared about being perceived as nice. The worst possible thing someone could have said about me was that I wasn’t nice!

I’m not unusual. I meet a lot of people who also strive to be nice.

And to be liked.

And to please.

It’s common.

So having spent 57 years trying to be nice, it came as a surprise one day recently that I realized I no longer care all that much about being nice.

I also no longer care about being perceived as a nice person.

What happened to me???

Recently, I’ve been speaking and writing openly about how I feel about what’s going on in the world.

I’m also throwing myself into ally work. I’m learning how to use the unearned advantages I was born with to amplify the issues and concerns of my friends and neighbors and peers that may not have some of those same advantages.

Overwhelmingly, I’ve had support and encouragement in this.

But there’s also been a little pushback.

Some pushback is to be expected in this work. Because talking openly about racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. can bring up intense feelings of discomfort.

And when humans feel uncomfortable, it’s tempting to point a finger at what’s causing the discomfort. (Sometimes, it’s the messenger).

But in ally and social justice work, it’s important that we are able to be with discomfort…otherwise we shrink back, tune out, or just look the other way.

I’m not doing that any more.

I’m learning that speaking out for what I believe in can be at odds with being perceived as ‘nice.’

Sharing uncomfortable stuff doesn’t always correlate to being well-liked.

And you know what?

I’m OK with not being ‘nice’.

I’m also OK with people not liking me.

Oh my God, what a huge relief!!!

Constantly being worried about coming across as ‘nice’ is exhausting.

Letting go of being ‘nice’ has made me realize that there are two values that are important to me.

(Way more important than being ‘nice’.)

The first is kindness.

I will always be, and aspire to be, a kind person.

Kindness is in my blood.

I was raised by kind people.

Being kind feels good in my body, mind and spirit.

However, there are situations in which I will not be kind.

For instance, if someone in my space is abusing me or someone else, I won’t hesitate to be unkind. I’ll ask them to leave my space!

What does kindness look like?

I show kindness by listening to you.

I show kindness by respecting who you are.

I show kindness by assuming that you mean well.

And until you prove otherwise, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.

The second value is honesty.

For years I worried what people would think of me if I did or said something they disagreed with or that offended them.

I now do what feels right (and kind) to me.

I tell the truth, and let people think whatever they’re going to think.

Seriously, it’s way less exhausting.

When I show people who I am and what’s important to me, some people are going to resonate and some are not.

It’s not my business to take care of those that don’t resonate.

They are free to leave my space…and they should, if I’m not their cup of tea.

It’s not my business managing their feelings, or trying to present myself in a way that they ‘like’.

I’m done with that!

Somewhere in my ‘nice girl’ background, I unconsciously linked being honest with being unkind.

But actually I think being honest IS kind.

You can speak honestly in a way that is also kind.

These days, I know that kindness and honesty go together.

I have enough care and respect for you to show you who I really am and what I really think.

Think about it.

You can bend over backwards trying to get people to like you because you’re ‘nice’, or you can be yourself and get comfortable with some people not liking you.

Why can’t some people just not like you?

Do YOU like everyone you meet?

Of course not!

Why would you care if you’re not liked? And how could you control it anyway?

Can you give yourself permission to be unliked by some people?

The best thing about being honest is that you give other people the gift of you, in all of your essence.

The people who love me would rather have the real me than a curated version of me, however ‘nice’ she is.

When I’m honest, people know what they’re getting. It’s truthful. It attracts the people who gel with me, and it weeds out those who are never going to ‘get’ me.

I’d rather be honest and have some people dislike me than be universally liked for not being who I am.

So…that’s my argument for kindness and honesty over ‘niceness’.

I’m a work in progress…you don’t change 57 years of ‘nice girl’ conditioning in a day!

But I’ll get there.

Do you feel like you can be YOU? Click here to schedule a free 30-minute connection call and we’ll chat about what being true to you looks like. Or join my Community group here. And for more juicy life stuff, check out my podcast, coming home (to yourself). As always, may your week be filled with self-love and rich insights. With love, Amy ♡♡♡